Six years ago, when I arrived in Savannah, I was in the middle of doing Weight Watchers and took up running. That next March I was down 80 pounds (the least I have ever weighed in my adult life), was training for a half marathon in the fall and I felt pretty awesome.
That Christmas - yeah, Christmas - my mom took me to the Urgent Care for what turned out to be a GIANT gallstone (the size of a quarter!) ravaging my insides. It was the kind of pain that never let up. It was so rough they sent the ultrasound and tech to me instead of moving me to the ER. I got my gallbladder removed on New Year's Eve - yeah, New Year's Eve - and was forced to take it easy. Well, I took it a little too easy. I stopped running and gained all the weight back.
Throughout the years, I would keep looking back at the photos from 2012/2013, feel horrible about myself, then eat an entire container of pimento cheese. Awesome pattern, right? Every once and a while I would get so fed up I'd get back on Weight Watchers...for a week or two. Ya know what they say about how doing something every day for a month will make it become a habit? Well, that seems to be why it is working this time around.
I knew I could do it again. I mean, I had already done it! But I had to really want it for it to become a habit again. And I really want it this time. I know I should feel beautiful at any size, but I just feel uncomfortable. I want to be able to wear dresses that fall above the knee again. Sit on a couch without a pillow on my lap. Cross my legs comfortably. Be able to lounge on the couch and not feel like I have a double chin. I had tasted what being healthier felt like and wanted that back.
Side note: We have made SO much progress in the past few years when it comes to body positivity and embracing your curves. I am seeing more and more women in advertising who look like me. When I shop for clothes online, the models have stomach rolls like I do! It makes me so happy I can't even put it into words. It makes me want to hug the world. I feel less alone. Not as judged. We are making some real progress. Even at my lightest, I'm never going to be 'skinny.' I'm always going to have bigger thighs. That's just me. It's nice to see that mirrored in magazines, Insta ads, and TV. And the thicker legs I have, the more puppies I can hold on my lap. So, take that thigh gap!! Okay, end of the side note.
It is harder this time around. Because people who knew me pre-gallbladder removal must have thought, 'Oh wow, she gained it all back.' I mean, I would have thought it, too. Heck, I think about it every time I look in the mirror. How disappointing, right? Again, I am not measuring my self-worth on the fact that I am overweight and used to be at a healthier weight. I know that I am a hard worker, nice to people and animals, funny and overall a decent human being. It's just a really sad feeling to know that you blew it. It's like I aced my midterm but flunked the class.
Weight loss is a very slow process. I started up again, after a tearful night, on March 25 of this year. I haven't lost weight every week, and I knew this was normal from the first go around, but I've remained consistent. I wanted to lose 20 pounds by the time Sam and I visited his new niece in Phoenix and THE DAY we left to go to the airport I was down 20.5. And it really wasn't until then that I had felt or seen any real difference.
Last Saturday I bought a pair of jeans that were two sizes down from where I was in late March. I got them because they didn't have the size above it, and was also curious to see if I could even get in them. Zip! They fit! I never want to take them off.
Can I just say, the thing I love about Weight Watchers is that you can plan out where you want to 'spend' your points. Yesterday I had three donuts. I also had a salad and chicken for dinner. Over the past 15 weeks, I have eaten pizza, pastries, bread, lots of cheese and chocolate. You don't have to completely cut yourself off. Therefore, you arent inclined to binge. Those donuts were amazing yesterday, but not gonna lie, didn't feel great afterward. I'd probably stick to just one from now on. But ya know what, NO REGRETS. This is a learning process. And y'all know I love to learn.
I do have a ways to go, I don't have a goal weight in mind, but it is somewhere around 80-100 pounds from where I started sounds about right. That's the range that Google told me is the healthy weight for a woman who is 5'9". I accomplished the Phoenix Goal - now I want to get to the Chicago Goal. I turn 29 on September 5th (I'm seeing Hamilton in Chigago!!) and I want to be down 40 pounds. Or at least close to it. That is a lot to ask over the next two months! But to be honest, I'll just be happy if I don't quit.
This change is for me. I want to be able to look like my old self, the self I feel like on the inside. That's the me I really am. I am also getting close to the big 3-0, which motivates me to lose it while I'm still in my 20s.
So, I think I am to the point where I need to find a new work out routine. I've done yogalaties DVDs and y'all know I've tried running (fun, but too hard on your body). Now I've been looking into Pure Barre (sweet LORD is it expensive!) and what I am trademarking Flailing, which is putting on a really upbeat Spotify playlist and thrashing around my bedroom. I'll let y'all know how that goes.
Well, that's all I've got right now. I'll make sure to keep you posted on my Chicago Goal! Are any of you on a weight loss journey right now? Or have been on one in the past? Or who have lost weight before and, like me, slid back into the deep end? I'd love to talk more if you want. You know me, I'm always down for a chat and most of all encouragement & support.